In my last post I wrote about a time not all that long ago when I'd
hit a rough patch, specifically about just how alone I had felt after my
divorce. (You can read that post here)
To
fill in a few more details, my wife was 11 years younger than me and
she had what I would like to think of as more or less a mid-life crisis.
Even though I fought my hardest to keep the marriage together with what
I felt was very little reciprocal help coming from her side, I have to
admit that I kind of understood her point of view, having been there
myself at her age. In fact, I now kid with my friends that my mid life
crisis was the purchase of a Cadillac; her's was getting rid of
me. I couldn't really blame her, nor do I blame her today, knowing how
she must have felt - she had been married for almost every day of her
life since she was 21, and she wanted to get out on her own to discover
who she was.
But just because I understood didn't mean I wasn't
devastated to be so unexpectedly and thoroughly rejected at 52 years
old. After she left, it took me 3 weeks before I could even leave the
house - I was shattered. Friends would check in on me just to make sure I
was OK, and were actually bringing me meals on a daily basis just
because I wasn't able to take are of myself. Thank god for them.
After those first few weeks I simply had to accept the fact that she wasn't
coming back and I was going to be alone. The only one who was going to
pull me out of this depression was going to have to be me. But I really
had no experience doing so and wasn't sure what to do.
So my first
steps in my healing process was to turn to books, audio programs and
courses about relationships and love; anything I could get my hands on
to try and figure out what had happened and where I had gone wrong. It
took some time and research, but I started with material mainly produced
or written for men, but containing a good mix of information about male
and female relationships in general. I desperately needed to know what
my shortcomings were in the relationship and where I had failed as a
husband. In other words, what I had done wrong and ultimately what was
my responsibility in ending up single yet once again, and how not to
repeat those same mistakes again in any future relationship I ever hoped
to have.
Over the next year or so, I read and/or participated in
over 100 books and on line courses by many different experts and self
proclaimed gurus, and I learned so much I was astounded! Astounded
mainly that I could have reached the ripe old age of 52 and know so very
little about the subject. I can recommend some if anybody's interested,
but the key was that I accept my part in the break up and I was
determined to not only become a better man, but I wanted to become an exceptional man. not only to women, but to other men in my life as well, such as friends, associates, etc.
After
doing a lot of my research and reading, the first thing I did to get
back up on the horse was to join a few on-line dating sites. I liked
being married and in order to move forward I knew that I definitely
needed to get better with my relationships right away. I bypassed the
temptation to have one of those professional dating profilers write my
profile for me, and I wrote my own profile in my own words. My profile
was long, specific, and totally honest. After the obligatory email
exchanges and phone calls, I began to go out on some first dates and
started to meet some women face to face. Many weren't such great
matches, but some were pretty terrific and some of those remain friends
to this very day.
One piece of advice about dating: if you feel up
to the challenge and want to try on-line dating, don't be cheap, and
most of all, have some patience -- there are a lot of free sites out
there, many of them good, many not so good. My experience has been that
you always get what you pay for. so if you don't meet the kind of women
you're looking for you might want to pony up some cash for one or two of
the pay sites.
Also, try not to get discouraged too easily. I
gave myself at least 6 months to meet that "someone special" and that
stretched out into a year. Over that period f time I went out on dozens
of first dates and even had some of those first dates turn into 3 or 4
exclusive relationships with women who actually thought I might actually
be a pretty good guy, but none of those really fleshed out into
anything permanent, some ending by my call, and some ending by her call.
But at least I was back in the game, I didn't give up and I stuck by my
guns, all the while learning more and more about dating, relationships
and the opposite sex with each new experience.
If dating or the
on-line experience isn't for you right now, and you just want to make
some new friends, a great place to meet people is Meetup.com.
Not partiularly a dating site, Meetup is more like a place for people
of similar interests to find each other on-line, an then plan a
gathering somewhere to meet and socialize live and in person (wow! what
a concept, eh?) After a relatively simple and unobtrusive sign up
process designed to screen out the riff-raff and predatory types, the
new member can then do a search based on their interests, and the site
can then make suggestions on existing Meetup groups near you that
already cater to those interests. If there are no existing groups that
appeal to you or the specific interest you have in mind, you can create
your own Meetup group, and the site will provide tools to help you
recruit members to your new group. Personally, I've met dozens of new
people through Meetups, and made a lot of great new friends.
If
you're not quite ready to date or go out to meet people, you can
certainly utilize on line social networking websites like Facebook,
Google Plus, and Twitter. Just sign up for a new member account, and
start searching. Social networking sites are an especially good way to
reconnect with old friends and acquaintances you may not have seen,
spoken to, or maybe even thought of in years. Best of all, since
existing members are linked to other members as "friends" and/or
"acquaintances," as soon as you "friend" or "follow" a member and they
accept your friend request, more often than not you're then linked into
that other person's list of friends, and that on-going "linking"
snowballs practically ad infinitum, and, if you're careful, you may just
end up the most popular kid on the street!
Finally, there are the
old fashioned ways, which are some of my favorites. You may remember
such ways of making acquaintances as:
1) smiling and saying hello to people you see while passing them on street;
2) knocking on your neighbor's door and introducing yourself, and/or inviting them out for coffee;
3) volunteering for your favorite charitable cause, or help care for a shut - in;
4) taking a part time job in a retail or convenience store;
5) take a class, or join a sports team or club;
6) go out to a park and take a long walk, speaking to whomever you see;
7) join a church congregation or some other faith based group;
8) plan a party, an ask anyone you know, and I mean ANY one, and encourage them to bring a friend;
9) join a book club or your local chapter of Toastmasters;
10) start a new part time business;
11) take a class;
12)
hang out at Starbucks or some other local coffee house every night.
Pretty soon you'll be a regular and chatting it up with all the other
regulars;
13) adopt a pet and care for it and love it as deeply as possible (but only do so if you can fully commit yourself to one).
The
important thing to remember is that even though you may be nervous or
afraid, put yourself out there and take action. Don't wait for people to
come to you. I firmly believe that at some point or another most of us
have all felt lonely and friendless, and with our technologically
isolating society I think it's only going to get more difficult for us
all to meet one another and foster that sense of community we all so
desperately need.
People WANT to be friends but are afraid of
rejection -- when someone else makes the first move, we're so relieved
we'll usually jump at the opportunity to make friends, so take a chance
-- even if it's just some baby steps. I promise you won't regret it.
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