When I first started to date again after my divorce, one thing I was told by many of the women I met was how hesitant they were to date a man my age who had never had children of his own.
They were concerned that a man who'd never had kids couldn't empathize with the issues a single mom might have, or that there might be something "wrong" with him that would affect a relationship down the road.
A man with no kids, according to some of these ladies might actually be too selfish, a momma's boy, immature -- any number of things. Their point was that it just wasn't "normal" to go through life without having children, especially when you've been married and divorced twice.
A BIG red flag, as far as they were concerned, and I understood that.
I was quick to explain that I'd had the privilege of raising 2 sets of great step sons: two from a 7 year long relationship between my marriages who are now adults, and 2 boys from my second marriage, one of which is now a senior in college and the other now a senior in high school. So it wasn't like I didn't know what it was like to have kids in your life and in a relationship, so that went a long way in quelling their fears.
But it does happen. And to guys who don't necessarily have anything "wrong" with them. Here's how it unfolded in my life:
I've been married twice with a 7 1/2 year relationship in between each marriage.
My first wife and I married when I was 30. Two weeks before the wedding we found a lump, and she was immediately diagnosed with breast cancer. We were married as planned in the village of Brattleboro, VT, but our honeymoon was a short weekend in a bed a breakfast in Northampton, MA, because we had to be back by Monday so she could go through a radical lumpectomy at Fox-Chase Cancer Center in Philadelphia.
After the procedure she was told she had significant nodal involvement and that having children would increase her chances of recurrence, so we decided to postpone the decision to get pregnant until after her year of chemo and radiation therapy were over.
After that ordeal was over (her treatments were brutal) she and I decided that the risks were just too great, and we each decided to focus on our careers instead. If the urge to procreate became a burning one for either one of us, we felt we still had plenty of time to change our minds and have a baby. At the time, it seemed like the logical thing to do, and we were just coming out of a traumatic year for the both of us, so we just moved forward, one day at a time.
After that marriage ended and we went our separate ways, I met a woman 10 years younger than I who had 2 boys from a previous marriage. They were great, all three of them, but hers had been a terrible breakup, and the biological father was missing in action, as he was during most of their marriage. Long before my girlfriend had broken up with her husband, she had decided that enough was enough with this guy, and had opted to be sterilized and there I was in a long term relationship with someone who COULDN'T have children. Oh well, that's just the way it goes, sometimes.
After that relationship ended I met wife number 2 - I was 47, or something like that, and she was 36 (do we see a pattern here?). She had two great boys, and, this time, the bio-father was the greatest. He was very involved in the boy's life, was a great provider, very successful, and just an all around great guy. But, again, she had pretty much had enough kids, and had not planned on having any more, so she too had had her "tubes tied" before her divorce.
Six years later, that marriage ended and Chuck found himself on the block again, getting ready to date again, two marriages and two divorces on his resume and several "relationships" in there too. And no biological children of my own.
It wasn't planned, and I don't have any deep regrets, although looking back I do wish I'd been able to keep a closer relationship with all of my step-sons, but that's the downside of being a step parent. No biological tie, and no legal recourse on mandated visitation like the "real" parents are afforded.
So there you go. For better or worse, I'm over 50, I have no kids (GASP!!), and I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with me. It just worked out that way.
Oh, yeah, my firsts wife is fine, 20 years later and has remarried and had no recurrence of her cancer. My "girlfriend" and second wife have moved on as well, and all four boys are doing just great, thanks for asking.
Past child bearing and/or rearing age, and have no kids of your own? How does that make you feel? Do you feel different than everybody else, on the "outside", maybe even a bit "freaky", perhaps? I'd love to hear your comments, so please feel free to leave them below.
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